I Mean Come On

Last night I visited the bartender, Nate, and one of the first things he said to me, after he came out from behind the bar to give me a hug, was: “I didn’t know you knew my friend Chris. We hung out last night til 4:30 a.m.”

I died a little bit because of course! This was my not-so-secret fantasy, that Chris would find out, somehow, not through me, that Nate and I had hooked up and it would make him wonder, what the fuck. I didn’t even want anything as cliché as Chris finding out and immediately getting jealous and calling me, because that’s lame, but I did want Chris to be reminded of me. Even if it was in a way that was like, that girl is a slut.

I know that’s kind of sick, but let’s be real, a big part of the reason I ever hooked up with bartender in the first place was some sort of revenge fantasy about Chris. Also it turned out the sex is really good, so there’s that. And it’s the definition of no-strings-attached (although, more on that later), which is, I think, exactly what I need right now.

Anyway. I of course did not say this to Nate. What I said was, “Yeah you did! I met you here one night Chris and I were hanging out.” You know, all casual, me and Chris, we’re basically like bros, you know? And Nate was like, “Oh yeah that’s right.”

Of course—of COURSE—I wanted to ask, “So how did this come up anyway?” Because honestly, how DID this come up anyway? Chris is so weird that I can’t imagine he brought it up, which leaves Nate, and WTF did he say? I hadn’t talked to him all week—I just texted him last night to see if he was working, he responded to say he was and that it would be good to see me, so off I went with my friend—so was he like, “I’m fucking this girl”? Is that how dudes talk? I AM SO CURIOUS but I couldn’t ask because I didn’t want to get into it. And I think, actually, that Nate was sort of fishing and didn’t really know anything, because he dropped it.

I haven’t emailed Chris back and now I’m definitely not going to, because… yeah. I think my work here is done.

Yeah, so, it’s always good to be reminded of that ironclad truism that the dudes you aren’t really into are going to be super into you, and the ones that you are super into aren’t going to be into you. The guy I’m not really into,  John, asked me out, like, three days ago—for SUNDAY!—and decided on where we should go and then tonight sent me an email just to be like, hey! what’s up? Meanwhile other dude—Chris—has totally blown me off and tonight he tweeted about going to see a movie that I had originally asked him to go see, but that he couldn’t see without seeing the first two in the series, and we had made plans to see another movie and he canceled those plans and, well, obviously doesn’t want to hang out with me again!

I hate him.

I should just unfollow him on Twitter and delete him from my phone and erase all his emails but I can’t bring myself to do it. We have been emailing a little bit since the total blowoff and I am reminded why I started liking him in the first place, because he sends funny and thoughtful emails, and also he is hot, but I don’t want to fall back into that trap, and since he sent me the last email I think maybe I can be spiteful and not respond.

Though part of me wants to just send him something totally insane, one of those “you’re a shithead” emails that sort of comes out of the blue but probably wouldn’t surprise him at all, because he IS a shithead! And then at least I would be really fully done with it because I would never be able to face him or contact him again because it would be totally mortifying.

This girl Jenny I am sort of friends with sent me the girl version of that email today, something like, “Hey, are you mad at me for some reason? I haven’t heard from you since we last talked and we said we would make plans,” and what I WANTED to say was, “Yes I didn’t make plans with you because I find you overly intense and hard to deal with, and also, you had a job for like 3 years where you blew everyone off and suddenly now that you don’t have that job anymore you want everyone to be your friend instantaneously and permanently, and also you are on Twitter way too much, and I say this as someone who is constantly on Twitter, but your tweets drive me crazy!” But what I said, of course, was something to the effect of, “OMG I’m so sorry, I’ve just been in this weird space where I only have been hanging out with my two closest friends and like doing work stuff for the past couple of weeks, and I’m going away next week and so can we reconvene after Labor Day?” Which passive-aggressive me thinks, TAKE THE FUCKING HINT, but I know she won’t, I’ll hear from her right after Labor Day.

And then I think, in my relationship with Chris, I AM THE JENNY.

It sucks to be the Jenny. The only reassuring thing is that unless you are a total doormat, sometimes you are the Chris and sometimes you are the Jenny. It’s just life.

It REALLY sucks to be the Jenny, though.